October 2010
1 post
i took 420 mg of prozac
July 2010
4 posts
my psychiatrist recently left for a new job. it’s terrible when you realize that the person you spilled your guts out to never cared. i care for strangers, yet the world only cares about themselves. i’m relapsing.
2 cups blueberries (160), one cracker (30), 3/4 cup of mango (75)
160 + 30 + 75 = 265
“Antonin Artaud wrote on one of his drawings, “Never real and always true,” and that is how depression feels. You know that it is not real, that you are someone else, and yet you know that it is absolutely true.”
Andrew Solomon
May 2010
28 posts
finally managed to get my bike from queens, still looking for my roller blades. planning on using my bike for 1 hour daily to get some form of exercise. fasting monday through friday.
276 calories lost in 1 hour.
for the next few weeks, i took pleasure not in the okay time i was having, but in the fact that i was having it. i made it through christmas and new year’s and i was acting like some semblance of myself. i had lost about fifteen pounds, and now i began to put on weight again. my father and my friends all congratulated on my astonishing progress. i thanked them. in my private self, however, i...
even if you accept that moods change, that whatever you feel today will be different tomorrow, you cannot relax into happiness as you can into sadness. for me, sadness always has been and still is a more powerful feeling; and if that is not a universal experience, perhaps it is the base from which depression grows. i hate being depressed, but it was also in depression that i learned my own...
“religion is for people who don’t want to go to hell. spirituality is for people who’ve been there.”
“”if you have pneumonia, would you try to cure yourself?”
no.
he shrugged. “so why do you think you can cure your own depression?”
why? because i thought i could manage my own mind. it never occurred to me that i was suffering from an illness over which, by that time, i had little or no control. i knew nothing about depression. all i knew was that i had fought my head for a year, and i had...
“it is as if the mind draws a veil across itself. there are parts of my memory of that time that are still missing, including books that i supposedly read. when i came to look at them i discovered that they were almost entirely unfamiliar. it is the same with films. parts of them are eerily familiar, so much so that i get an immediate sense of deja vu, but i have no recollection of the beginning...
“saint anthony in the desert, asked how he could differentiate between angels who came to him humble and devils who came in rich disguise, said you could tell by how you felt after they departed. when an angel left you, you felt strengthened by his presence; when a devil left, you felt horror. grief is a humble angel who loaves you with strong, clear thoughts and a sense of your own depth....
“depression is the flaw in love. to be creatures who love, we must be creatures who can despair at what we lose, and depression is the mechanism of that despair. when it comes, it degrades one’s self and ultimately eclipses the capacity to give or receive affection. it is the aloneness within us made manifest, and it destroys not only connection to others but also the ability to be...
“everything passes away - suffering, pain, blood, hunger, pestilence. the sword will pass away too, but the stars will still remain when the shadows of our presence and our deeds have vanished from the earth. there is no man who does not know that. why, then, will we not turn our eyes towards the stars? why?”
-mikhail bulgakov, the white gaurd
i’m surrounded by people that make me feel so lonely, by people that haven’t experienced all of my sad hours. and i can never express that with anyone. i tell myself it is dangerous, that exposing all of these monsters is a sin and i don’t deserve to be listened to. it’s so tragic that everything i go through is unnoticed. it hurts me that in order to forget all of the pain...
sunday: 3/4 cup of diced carrots (38), 4 baby tomatoes (4), 1/4 cup of green pepper (7), 3/4 of small orange (36), small piece of chicken (30?)
38 + 11 + 36 + 30 = 115
forced to have indian food later. total will come to about 300 - 370 for the day.
planning on changing my diet. going to be less fruit and more vegetables. here’s a list of vegetables and fruits (plus one type of fish (tilapia) since i often eat it) that i’m permitted to eat in generous quantities.
one cucumber : 45, one (11 to 12 inch) stalk of celery : 10, one carrot (7.5 inches) : 30, one apple : 74, one cup of grapes : 62, one wedge of...
fasting (day 2) completed. going to stop and regain some energy. lost around 4 pounds.
fasting (day 1) completed.
to do // continue with this through to sunday/monday. be around 93 - 96 by the end of this month. planning on going to my old apartment to find my rollerblades.
plateau crumbled on monday. i need to fast for at least two days, i’m begging myself to and i don’t know why.
what am i doing wrong? i’m terrified, i can’t seem to control incoming emotions and it’s silently eating away at me. wretched disease; i don’t want it, but monsters say i thrive in its filth. i’m so sensitive to its touch.
i used to be close friends with a pathological liar. he shed ties six months ago for unknown reasons. i miss him.
i am holding conversations: limp gazelles in my arms and we are absolutely calm in cancer. and the children we wanted around have stayed in my stomach to drown. fire blankets and avalanches and we found our language. and our bodies lose language and our bodies change. we change habits but we stay the same.
i felt emotions too strongly today. i let myself be raptured, i know. my hands were shaking and angry fists pounded against my eyelids, irritating images. i desperatley wanted to wail and cover my eyes. see? this is what happens when my emotions aren’t given boundaries. and all i told myself is, “i’m sorry, i’m sorry, i’m sorry i’m so fucking stupid. i’m...
take saddles if you need them, but i could ride you bare. there are bullets in your arms, there are hooks to hang your kill, there are floodboards rising upwards. and of the devil’s morsels, the seraphic anarchists courses - stakes down the vertebrae of horses - forgive them or find means of torture. but you can always swallow shotguns if you’ve got to.
shed the lions from your songs
you want to be pollinated frays of friction far too sacred we survive between our hunger dig our heads into the water memorize your casket, your mother patterns the space between your legs, i grab what’s good of you you pluck fruit from my endless head rearrange them to make your salt sweat bite snakes down for better shelter fridge your orgasm, make it colder
sunday: 1 apple (60), small pieces of bread (70), fish; w/ 30 cal oil (160?), asparagus (15), carrots (10)
155 + 160 = 315
315 - 1500 = -1185
lost .6 pounds when i weighed myself this morning. hope this plateau is crumbling.
as i recall, i was an “isolated child”, that’s what i was told by relatives, parents, shrinks, and teachers. i went through periods of tension and mania. i’d smile on short, daily occasion, and rear myself back under tables, corners of a room, or leave the room for sometimes hours or just five minutes.
saturday: 1 apple (60), asparagus; w/ oil (40), carrots; w/ oil (60), small slice of cornbread (60), salad (20)
180 + 60 = 240
240 - 1400 = -1160
i’m tired of my sister replaying 500 days of summer three times a day. TURN IT OFFFF.
my mom decided to have company over. she prepared asparagus, carrots, potatoes, chicken, salad, chocolates, corn bread, lemon tarts, and who knows what else. i know i’d be able to resist this if i wasn’t forced to eat, but i am. looks like today wasn’t a good day to fast.
books i have to read// wasted, the man who mistook his wife for a hat, sheep’s vigil, seeing voices, an anthropologist on mars, memories of a chemical boyhood, awakenings, little girls in pretty boxes
movies i need to see// mr. lonely, small gods
friday: 2 apples (120), indian food (230), nan (90)
120 + 230 + 90 = 440
440 - 1400 = -960
i fasted for about 18 hours (no water/food) until i got home. i hate how my mother always seems to ruin how much my daily intakes are. she loves to order foods with carbs, which is basically my only weakness. i also can’t seem to lose any weight these past 2 1/2 weeks, even though my...
April 2010
44 posts
thursday: 1 cup of cereal (115), 1 cup of vegetable soup (90), apple (60), cooked vegetables (60)
120 + 185 = 325
305 - 1400 = -1075
my body is being very stubborn with me lately. no matter how far my efforts are, i only manage to drop either nothing or .2 pounds. it’ll work out though, it can’t keep up with me forever.
wednesday: 2 apples (120), 1 cup of low cal cereal (100), 1/4 cup of peas (11)
120 + 100 + 11 = 231
231 - 1400 = -1069
not exactly what i was planning on as a fast, but i guess it will suffice. i’m staying up till about 3 A.M. doing schoolwork. really fucking frustrated since i’m sick + hardly have any energy to do it.
i feel like it’s rattling my bones and kicking and screaming and willing itself out of me, wishing to prevent what upsets it so (…)
i have never felt comfortable the way i am. it is easier for me to find beauty in others and then emulate that. is the world a better place when we are who we are not? is it time to stop wishing and time to start believing? entrusting ourselves might be...
tuesday: 2 apples (140), bite of a sandwich (30), 2 small potatoes and 6 brussel sprouts; cooked (40), 1/2 cup of low cal cereal (55), fish; cooked (160)
total intake: 425
425 - 1300 = -875
i didn’t do too well today. i’m planning on fasting for a day or two tomorrow.
monday: 2 apples (120), 2 small pretzels (10), vegetable soup (140), salad (15)
140 + 120 + 15 + 10 = 285
285 - 1400 = -1115
i’m beginning to feel very tired now. i don’t think i’ll go to school tomorrow, i don’t want to end up looking miserable around people.
planning for monday and tuesday
(p)monday & tuesday: breakfast (7 am): 1 apple
lunch(3:30 pm or 5:30 pm): usually nothing; 1 apple if i’m unusually hungry
dinner (6:30 pm - 8:30 pm): salad, chew and spit walnuts & cranberries, plus eat a scoop of pasta.
——-
notes: never eat more than 500 calories daily. if so, purge after the main meal of the day...
“life for me is defined not by time, but by mood”
“but the disease thrives on shame, and shame thrives on silence, and i’ve been silent long enough.”
-terri cheney
friday: 1/2 cup of cereal (100), 1 apple (60), salad; lettuce + 1 tomato (15)
walked about 2 miles (250)
100 + 60 + 15 = 175 - 1300 = -1225 - 250 = -1475
saturday: 4 apples (200), 1/2 cup of cereal (100), indian food + baby spinach only (250?)
walked 2 miles that day, burning around 250 cals (says some online calculator) plus another 70 when i got home = 320.
550 - 320 = 230
+ sedentary...
its been a bad week
“…and it entered my strictured heart, this morning, slightly, shyly as if warily, untamed, a greater sense of the sweetness and plenty of his ongoing life, unknown to me, unseen by me, unheard, untouched-but known, seen, heard, touched. and it came to me, for moments at a time, moment after moment, to be glad for him that he is with the one he feels was meant for him. and i thought of...
how does such ruin knit,
and to when?
in what form does each evaporate, solidify, or mend?
consider our distances cleft from the legs, the legs of what’s left of them
please, please, please give this body closure (…)
hence i came to love, hate, hide in an unchanging forever
no matter, i must be soft and love.
make a purpose in this purposeless lifetime, and terminate it like all...
