i took 420 mg of prozac

“Antonin Artaud wrote on one of his drawings, “Never real and always true,” and that is how depression feels. You know that it is not real, that you are someone else, and yet you know that it is absolutely true.”

Andrew Solomon

for the next few weeks, i took pleasure not in the okay time i was having, but in the fact that i was having it. i made it through christmas and new year’s and i was acting like some semblance of myself. i had lost about fifteen pounds, and now i began to put on weight again. my father and my friends all congratulated on my astonishing progress. i thanked them. in my private self, however, i knew that what had gone away were only symptoms. i hated taking my pills everyday. i hated that i had a breakdown and lost my mind. i hated that unfashionable but relevant word breakdown, with its implication of the machinery giving in. i was relieved to have made it through the reading tour, but i was exhausted by all the things i had yet to make it through. i was overpowered being in the world, by other people and their lives i couldn’t lead, their jobs i couldn’t do - overpowered even by jobs i would never want or need to do. i was back to about where i had been in september, only now i understood how bad it could get. i was determined never again to go through such things.

my psychiatrist recently left for a new job. it’s terrible when you realize that the person you spilled your guts out to never cared. i care for strangers, yet the world only cares about themselves. i’m relapsing.

2 cups blueberries (160), one cracker (30), 3/4 cup of mango (75)

160 + 30 + 75 = 265 

finally managed to get my bike from queens, still looking for my roller blades. planning on using my bike for 1 hour daily to get some form of exercise. fasting monday through friday.

276 calories lost in 1 hour.